I pretty much just have one thing to say today, and it has been on my mind for probably about a week now. To whoever is sitting around messing with my clocks and making time putter along at a snail’s pace…CUT IT OUT!
I have been home for a couple of weeks now, and I noticed something very strange. While this deployment has not been moving really fast, there was at least a particular pace to it. There was a rhythm. I didn’t necessarily like it… but I was willing to deal. It had spots where it slowed down a little, and I thought that November would never come, but without fail it did.
Mid-tour passed too quickly. I would describe it as trying to hold water in your cupped hands. You can only hold it for so long before it starts slipping through your fingers. I was positive as I got on a plane on the opposite side of the airport as Green Lantern that I had blinked, and our time together was already over. That was almost more painful than the long lead-up to the deployment before it started. At least at that time, I had been given A LOT of time to process. When I got back from mid-tour, the few weeks I had before I turned around and got on a plane for another 20 hour travel day went fairly fast. That was just because I was super busy trying to get everything ready and clean before I left. I had animals to take care of, arrangements to make, Christmas presents to wrap and mail to get out. It always seems that at the holiday season that time is short anyway, and I was completely grateful for it. The three weeks at home with my family passed quickly. Not only did I have people all around me at all times, but it was mostly people who I really cared about and had truly missed for over a year. By the time I came back home, I was tired, but I would say I was as happy as I can be with Green Lantern off in the sandbox.
That leads me to now. Two weeks later. ONLY two weeks later. After a heroic effort of cleaning my house, washing all of the laundry plus bedding, towels, and puppy stuff, reorganizing my closet, trying to find the right sleep and workout schedules, restocking my pantry, finishing three books and countless art or design projects, I feel like I have officially hit groundhog day. Everyday is just the same thing, over and over again. To be honest, sometimes I don’t even think the date changes. I look at a calendar and think “why isn’t January over yet?” I look at the clocks and swear that sometimes they just don’t run at all. I find it completely infuriating. It is as if time has slowed to a crawl just to mock the fact that I have been living here for months on end without my Lantern. Let me tell you… it SUCKS.
There is nothing I want more in the world then my husband back, safe and sound, with me. During the day, it’s ok. I get out, I take care of the things that I need to do. I have the animals. They are long, but manageable. In the evenings, when I’m settling down, I find myself feeling either like I have drank too much caffeine and can’t quite get comfortable, or inescapably lonely. I’m exhausted, but I lay in bed or on the couch and don’t fall asleep. Now, in what most people would call the home stretch, I am having more problems than I have encountered up to this point. I don’t sleep as well. I miss him so much more every day. Nothing completely fills my time, and I am always distracted.The animals are drawing off of me, and getting just as restless. I’m sure it has to be frustrating for them too, though they probably don’t know why. We are all off.
What can I do but press on? I know that this, like the slow patches before mid-tour will pass. Someday soon I’m going to start that deep cleaning of the house so it will be spotless before he comes back. I’ll take that commissary run to stock the house will all of the things he loves. I’ll venture out on the German economy to find those special touches he insists that he needs. I’ll arrange and rearrange where I have put everything, trying to settle on just the right balance for when he walks in. I’ll start prepping and pre-making food so I don’t have to lose the time with him. Someday soon. But after all of this time, I just can’t help but feel that it isn’t soon enough. It could be tomorrow, and it still wouldn’t be soon enough for me. I have a NEED for my Lantern, and I can’t just put it off like I have been doing up to this point.
Especially in my small community, I think all of us wives can agree. I am positive that I am not the only one feeling this way. Plain and simple, it is just time to bring the soldiers home.
Have a good day everybody! Hope you aren’t stuck in a rut like me.