You know that point in your life when you have this whole plan about everything you want to do? And despite your absolute best efforts, you just can’t seem to get it done? That is what has been happening here.
I had all of these great ideas for blogs. I had a really great couple of blogs planned out… I wanted to tell you guys about Greece and Scotland. I wanted to tell you about my new musical and my extra jobs that I just loved. I wanted to tell you how well my little business has been going, and what it was like to suddenly decide to do two shows at once. I wanted to tell you about our impromptu trip to Cologne, and this new experience of planning a baby shower. I wanted to tell you how it felt when my cat didn’t come home, and what it’s like to stare PCS in the face. At some point maybe I will actually find the time.
But of course, with all of this going on, some things got pushed aside and forgotten. Both of my blogs were part of that “something’s gotta give” equation, and now I feel like I’m so behind that there isn’t a lot I can do to try to catch up. So… instead I’m going write about what I’ve got going right now, and the maybe I’ll find the time to recap.
So you may have gathered that up to this point, I am involved in two musicals. And not just involved. Not only do I have a part in the show, but I took the choreography jobs for both, and have been building a number of props and marketing pieces for both shows. I thought I was involved when I worked “Little Shop”… but it was nothing like this. Well… “Evil Dead the Musical” wrapped last night.
Don’t get me wrong. The show was amazing. It is a super fun show… lots of laughing and lots of craziness. The part I had (Cheryl, Ash’s sister for those of you out there who might know the show) was a challenge, but in a good way. It certainly had the potential to release a whole lot of pent-up energy and frustration if done right. I loved the songs I got to sing, and I loved my choreography. Our tech crew was outstanding! The make-up and hair people who could get me from normal to demon in 2 minutes flat can not be replaced. Despite that fact that I thought I would HATE it, I really didn’t mind being covered in fake blood every night. There were people in this cast that just clicked automatically with, and I felt like I really made friends. Maybe even more than friends… maybe more like a crazy little family. That’s a feeling that is sometimes hard for me to come by. I cannot say enough good about what has happened on this stage for the past 3 months.
Part of me is quite happy. I sort of feel like I have been running a marathon. I am so tired… and so broken. I have so many bruises and scratches from being thrown around that stage that it hurts to do anything for too long. It’s a definite reminder that I am not 18 anymore. I had my head knocked into things (notably) 6 times, and slipped and fell just CLEANING the theatre afterwards twice this week! Not to mention that I woke up today without too much of a voice. To be completely honest, I don’t know how many more shows I would have had in me.
It didn’t change the fact that I still got angry last night. I was almost resentful as the set came down. I had the realization that though it is not my last show in the theatre (101 Dalmatians opens in two weeks, and I am also in that show), but that it was my last adult show. Green Lantern and I will be going to the States in six weeks for good. People keep asking me to do things, and I have to keep saying no, and it kinda breaks my heart. I love my little theatre with all my heart, and I don’t want to leave it. Especially not now, when I feel like I might actually belong to something.
Green Lantern says that I’m not giving the next duty station a chance. That I’m determined to be unhappy. That I need to come home and find a new theatre… a bigger theatre that might give me more prominent opportunities. But I don’t think that is really what I want. I’m not discounting our next base. I’m sure it will be wonderful, and I will find things to do that will make me happy. However, as someone who often feels like they don’t fit or don’t belong… as someone who can take a long time to warm up to people… as someone who can feel really uncomfortable and alone around whole groups of people… this “little theatre” was a home to me. And I just don’t feel ready to let everything go and start over.
This is probably the hardest thing about being married to the military. At least for me, as someone who isn’t moving kids around. Everything you do is dictated by what your soldier has to do. Every move in your life has to be strategic, and in line with what is best for their career. Sometimes for the spouse, what you want just doesn’t get to matter. Plain and Simple. Whether you want to or not, you just have to keep moving.